“Every relationship is like a garden and every garden has weeds. Arguments are the little weeds of our relationship that grow up around the things we intentionally plant. Some arguments don’t seem so bad and are easy to work around whenever they pop up. Others are ugly enough that you go nuclear on them. That patch of land is abandoned as scorched earth for a couple of years. Either way, the weeds always come back as reliably as the days and the seasons despite our attempt to get rid of them once and for all. This is true of the arguments we have but also the arguments we don’t have. Arguments don’t end because they have long, long roots.” – Buster Benson, Why Are We Yelling? The Art of Productive Disagreement
I just started a new book by Buster Benson, “Why Are We Yelling? The Art of Productive Disagreement.” I am just starting this and I am already struck by the power of disagreements and how in our minds we think we can rid our lives of all disagreement in our relationships, in the workplace, with our family members, but the truth is, that is impossible. The only mind (and behavior) we can change is our own.
When we get in an argument, we get stuck in a pattern of attempting to persuade someone to change their mind or through manipulation we attempt to force someone to do something differently. Both of those approaches don’t work out and then our efforts backfire making that other person more entrenched in their thinking.
I am excited to learn more on this tricky topic to improve my own communication and to improve my relationships.
– Jason
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If there’s ever to be honesty in a relationship, then it will explode at its strongest during an argument. The worst decision in a relationship is to AVOID conflict, instead of confronting it. And… the one thing about “honesty” in a relationship is that the one of the people, in the couple, will be very hesitant to speak the truth to the other, for fear of them suddenly becoming an enemy.
Therapists, however, are the opposite. They don’t judge, because they aren’t meant to be your friend. They’re under oath, strictly abiding a set of rules so that they don’t gossip. This is another reason why a person will be hesitant to share their troubles with a loved one. They fear that they will spread rumors, because they person who heard the news didn’t understand the news.
“Truth should be taken seriously,” as anyone should say. Though, sometimes it is taken as a joke. Sometimes, it is simply ignored.
An argument shows the truth, however harsh it sounds, and I believe that a couple will gain the most to think about, after that argument. Though, I don’t mean that these arguments should be deliberate. We, as humans, are un-wanting to spill the truth during calmness, because we fear that truth which is spoken may create disagreement. Again, the “disagreement” is always the “misunderstanding” to the issue.
We always say these words, “I agree” or “I don’t agree”, and all it translates to is, “I like what you said,” versus “I don’t like what you said.” And… in life, are we ever really given a choice for what we like or don’t like, when we should accept it, regardless? What is said, by the troubled person, should be accepted, regardless.
Though, it isn’t the case, most of the time, which is why people enjoy going to therapists, or having a dog for a friend, instead of a human friend.
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Nice insight! Thanks for sharing
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Sounds like an interesting read. Will you post more thoughts on it as you progress through the book?
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Right now I have another post scheduled for this weekend and when I finish it I will post a review 😉
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Looking forward to it. Thanks for getting back!
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