Jason A. Muckley

The Rebuilding Blocks #Divorce

Illustration from the book “Rebuilding” by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti

I’ve got a long way to go. But this is a nice illustration of where I am, how I am feeling, another reminder that i am not the only one going through this, and that there is hope.

I am excited, and apprehensive if I am honest, to begin reading the book “Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends” by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti.

Has anyone else been there and found any books or advice that really helped as you went through this process?

Thanks in advance!

– Jason

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16 comments

  1. Yes, the first two years were difficult due to thoughts of why, and what the heck…how did we become a statistic… You need closure if you can get it. if not, accept it and start living. Do not focus on the what and whys. Just go forward with now I live (in God’s grace) and will discover myself again; because you do change. You become stronger where you need to, and softer as well. They’re called life lessons if you pay attention. If you don’t bear the brunt of fault, again push it aside, start walking in faith and hope that you improve as a person overall. Say no when you need to, and yes when you want to. In other words, be a bit different by listening to your inner being. No compromises, just You (and God of course). If it feels wrong, don’t do it. If it feels right and there’s no danger or harm, experience something new. Don’t let this situation break you, let it improve you. You will realize you have been missing out and some things, and maybe allowed too much of others. You will be at peace and life will go on, but hopefully in a better state of mind. You control it with each decision you make.

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  3. Hi Jason,
    Give yourself time. Do not rush into another relationship too quickly. Simply spend time reconnecting with those activities which interest you. It took me a while after my divorce to realize that it is perfectly fine to be by myself. I am not alone; I have God. You are not alone; you have God. There are people in this world who do truly care about others; we are not alone, ever, although it might feel that way at times. It is better to be happy by yourself than to be in a relationship that it not functioning. Our society, I think, pressures us to be in a relationship and this is unfortunate. It is better to be at peace than to live in a state of turmoil. You will get through this although it might not feel like it right now. I will pray for your happiness and peace.

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  5. Divorce is hard. The book recommended by a good friend who is also a therapist when I was going through the process was “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert. It seriously helped me a lot. And I recommend the book, not the movie. -Jill

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  6. Hi Jason. Have not read the other comments but wanted to drop you a line. I follow your poetry and posts quite frequently. My wife of 14 years and I are going through a difficult time as well. We are not divorcing, but we definitely went through hell and we both fit into many of those blocks in the picture above. She had an affair for 3 years and I found out. She didn’t want to lose me, and I realized quickly I was not the best husband, so I took some of the responsibility. Like you I have children. The whole sense of self, of understanding, of optimism and meaning, all of it was destroyed.

    I am now 10 months into the process of dismantling myself, my assumptions, my insecurities, my doubts and my shortcomings, and finding my strengths, my values, my purpose, my hope. Your poetry has touched on many aspects of my experience. I do not have faith in a god, and I am glad you do. But I do have faith. I have faith it will get better, no matter what tomorrow brings.

    Here is my advice: let go. One of your poems succinctly describes your inner struggle. You are holding on and letting go at the same time. I know that feeling. Trust me.
    Let go of the doubt. Let go of the ‘What ifs’. Let go of the self-abuse. Let go of the grudge. Let go of the pain.
    I don’t mean forget or block it out. Let it come. Let it wash over you. Let yourself drown in it. Then let it go. Every day remind yourself that there is nothing new to be found in the negative. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You will not find anything new. You will turn it over and over and over again, and you are only hurting yourself. LET IT GO.
    And from there, you will accept. You will accept that bad things happen to good people. You will accept that life is not meant to be smooth sailing. It can’t be. You will accept that you have lived through a painful, hurtful, devastating experience. And through accepting you will grow, you will get stronger, and wiser, and you will develop in spirit and emotion. And that is such a good thing. Such an amazing thing. That we, as animals and lucky members of this universe, can fall down to hell and yet struggle toward heaven, AND ACTUALLY MAKE IT!

    Hang in there my friend. You are a good man. Your kids are lucky to have you. And we are lucky to get to know you through your writing.

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